May 15, 2009

The NBA - Where Stalking Happens...

It took me all of 2 minutes to put down 5 NBA players that in the last year have been involved in either a stalker case or some other unfortunate situation with a woman.  And after that long 5 minutes, I spent the next 10 with a pint in my hand wondering what life would be like without the NBA and all its scandalous-ness.

So what really sparked this was the story that’s come out on Dirk and his supposed fiancĂ©e/serial killer/name changing chick.  This story gets better by the minute and he just keeps responding with this “my private life is private” bullsh*t which has me deeply saddened.  I want more!

Here is a breakdown of all the fantastic woman scandals that have made the NBA as interesting as ever.

Dirk Nowitzki vs. Cristal Taylor
(or whatever her name is this week)

This story goes something like this…Dirk meets some chick named Cristal, starts dating her, supposedly impregnates her, supposedly proposes to her, leaves town for the Playoffs, and while away, finds out the chick has been arrested at his crib.  Once arrested, we find out she owes anywhere from $1,500 up to $20,000 in unpaid dental bills, has at least 4 other aliases, and has mug shots from at least 2 other counties.

And then this week, once she’s finally been arraigned, Tony Banks (former NFL flub) comes out and says he knows the chick!  In fact, he dated her back in 1997 also dealing with her harassing phone calls and house stakeouts which eventually led to team security involvement.  This whole thing just keeps getting better and we’ll be on it every step of the way.

Derek Fisher vs. Symone Fisher

(Photo from Symone's Myspace.)
This story isn’t quite on the sloppy-seconds level of Dirk’s but none-the-less, is gold.  Within the last few weeks, Derek Fisher obtained a restraining order on a chick claiming to be his wife while also stalking him at his private residence and at “work.”  The official stalker-ade actually began back in 2001 and included boxes of CDs full of love songs and who knows what else.  After the brief stint in ’01, Symone took a 4 year break until 2005 at which point she emerged with a new legal name of Fisher, started writing love letters, claimed to be married to Derek and then showed up at Lakers games looking for daddy.  At some time during this rucus, she also went on tirades, started to cruise his neighborhood and even threw God into the mix.  Amazing.

Luke Walton vs. Stacie “Sharpie Queen” Beshear

There must be something about Lakers players right?  Stacie’s stalking appears to have only been for a couple of months, but during that time did plenty of damage.  Beshear took the whole free autograph sessions just a little too far it sounds like.  According to Luke, she’d ask him to sign basketballs over and over again even if he’d already signed them and if he refused, took Sharpies to the sides of his cars.

Stacie was eventually ousted and arrested after pulling up alongside Walton in the Sharpie-mobile only to make threatening hand gestures at him.  Let your mind wander on that one.  (More details here)

Michael Jordan vs. Lisa Miceli

This one may have officially been announced back in 2007 but to this day, Jordan is still dealing with it.  Miceli, a former mistress, claims all kinds of garbage against MJ including him fathering her child.  The best part of this story was Jordan actually going through a DNA test to prove that he was not the father and this psycho still not buying into it.  She even had a personal blog at one point which unfortunately has been taken down, probably due to legalities.  Pretty sure I spent a solid 2 hours reading the sh*t she’d write about herself, Jordan, Barkley, other mistresses, current MJ girlfriends, synagogues…the list just went on and on.  If you want see any of the previous quotes, you can find some here at my old blog.

Shaquille O'Neal vs. Alexis “Maryjane” Miller

During Shaq’s quick split from his wife, Shaunie, he turned his eyes onto a 23 year old aspiring hip-hop artist named “Maryjane.”  Miller apparently took out the restraining order on the Diesel…wait…yes, she took one out on him.  (It’s OK to laugh now.)  The restraining order was taken after Shaq had stalked her, threatened her with bodily harm, and made harassing phone calls which included him breathing hard into the phone before hanging up.  (Ahahaha!)  And here is a quote from a court document in full on Shaq-Twitter mode:
“I dnt no who the [expletive] u think u dealin wit u will neva be heard from one phone call is I gotta make now try me. Sho me.”
I’m so speechless on this one but in no way is it surprising.

I love the NBA.

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Anonymous 5/30/09, 5:13 PM  

I have a doctorate in Lisa Miceli Studies. Her blog was a real keeper -- too bad it's gone now.

Just to add a cherry on the top of the Lisa Miceli Crazay Sundae -- Jordan actually took TWO DNA tests. Both proved he was not the father of Crazy Lisa's child.

Here's the best part of her story -- she met Jordan in 1999, and by her OWN account never saw him after 2001 (she slipped up a couple of times and admitted that)...yet he's supposed to have fathered a baby born in 2004. Now that's some powerful sperm to have survived somewhere for 3 years!

Of course she's probably lying about even seeing him in 2001. I think he "lost" her number a lot earlier than that...

Since her stint in the County Jail for violating the restraining order, she's mostly shifted her stalker focus to various women she insists have "cloned" her and stolen her "personality", namely Alyssa Milano and Pam Anderson. You see, Pam Anderson's character on Home Improvement was named Lisa, so of COURSE that's stealing a personality.

She announced on her most recent blog (since removed) that she is marrying an Arab sheikh.

kellex 5/31/09, 6:47 PM  

Hahahah that is all f-ing classic material there. I really wish I could meet this woman at some time in my life just to hear the random crap she may say.

We need to start a new website dedicated to her.

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