November 20, 2008

The NBA Ugly List 2008

After watching the Blazers route of the Chicago Bulls the other night, I got a great glimpse at three members of this list.  Actually, you could call them the motivation behind it.  Players in the NBA have taken their looks, beards, hair, and tattoos to an all new level and should be recognized for how ridiculous they look.

With some commentary of course...

Anderson Varejao - The list needed to start off hot with "Side-Show Bob" and his hairstyle that hasn't been updated since the first Simpson episode.  Easy choice for this list.

Andres Nocioni - I didn't want to be reminded of the exorcist while eating pizza during a basketball game.  OK, I just threw up a little...and I caught it in my hand.  Ew.

Chris Kaman - Last year we called him the "Missing Link" and luckily he chopped the hair off to rid himself of that title.  But is this the new German look from his anti-American Olympic days?

Drew Gooden - He obviously didn't get the memo that the beard growing contest with Stevensen was over.  Is that tentacle trying to grab Deng's tongue?

Joakim Noah - The teeth.  The hair.  The attitude.  The yelling that we'll never forget from the NCAA Championships. Flat out ugly.

Marquis Daniels - Is that a Gremlin?  GIIIIIIIZMO!  It's Stripe, run!

Mike Miller - Caw-caw!  Oh...that's not a golden eagle or an osprey...

Shawn Marion - "Hello, Clarice..."

Adam Morrison - At least the locks and that pony tail are gone, but the Johnny Depp look is not flying.  Don Juan DeMarco what!

Chris Anderson - Kids, this is what a crack dealer looks like.  They wear fancy jerseys, sneakers, and headbands in public and usually have an old guy by their side for cover.

Pao Gasol - Hmm...not much to say about Pao, except that the beard and its 10 missing patches, drives me nuts.

Robert Swift - "Dear Lord, thank for you for not judging my black nail polish."  God - "WTF?"

Marc Gasol - And then Marc Gasol decided to eat another human...

Some honorable mentions include:
  • The Lopez brothers
  • Brad Miller's old corn rows
  • Greg Oden's beard
  • Stephen Jackson in general
  • Tyronn Lue's corn row days
  • Sam Cassell possible lifetime achievement
  • Carlos Boozer inching closer
Any we missed?

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Anonymous 11/20/08, 8:35 PM  

What about Turkey-loo?

Anonymous 11/20/08, 8:37 PM  

I think that is an improvement on Gooden as long as he got rid of that crazy soul patch he had on the lower part of the back of his head. That bugged me/ urked me/ made me mad.

As long as that thing is gone, I can stand the weird beard.

By the way, what % of these guys do you think " Love the Ganja "? I am thinking 90% or higher.

Docksquad 11/20/08, 9:26 PM  

haha three bulls, thanks! swift takes the prize man

Anonymous 11/20/08, 9:28 PM  

This is hilarious. Robert Swift takes the cake for me.
I've seen Chris Anderson around town, as I live in Denver. One day I was at the mall at Finish Line and he walks in with the hottest chick I've ever seen. I was like seriously? Money and fame does a lot for ya.

Anonymous 11/20/08, 9:30 PM  

Yeah Dock, sorry on the Bulls takeover, but you gotta admit. And yes Robert Swift is about the ugliest man on the planet. Although he did just lop those locks off and has some pretty boy faux-hawk now.

Shara- Anderson still cracks me up to this day. Thinking back to his dunk contest days...

Anonymous 11/20/08, 10:30 PM  

The depressing part is that they all get layed more than all of us combined

Anonymous 11/20/08, 10:53 PM  

Sad...but so damn true.

Anonymous 11/21/08, 5:27 AM  

Any list of ugly basketball players that leaves out Sam Cassell is incomplete.

Anonymous 11/21/08, 5:49 AM  

GREG ODEN.....he's the black version of the Geico cavemen!

Anonymous 11/21/08, 6:16 AM  

Where's Sam Cassell?

Anonymous 11/21/08, 6:23 AM  

Hahah@Geico Caveman!

Sammy is a good call too.

Anonymous 11/21/08, 6:30 AM  

How does this list not include Tyronn Lue or Delonte West? Those dudes are scary ugly

Anonymous 11/21/08, 6:34 AM  

What about Carlos Boozer? That dude's FUGLY!

Anonymous 11/21/08, 7:20 AM  

I looked at Delonte, and he probably deserved an honorable mention because of that sort of albino look he has working with the mini-fro. And Tyronn Lue deserves an honorable for his past corn-row days but he's sharpened up a bit this year...ok..sort of.

Anonymous 11/21/08, 8:54 AM  

Robert Swift hates his father...

Anonymous 11/21/08, 10:41 AM  

Robert Swift OMG! Black nail polish ?

Anonymous 11/21/08, 11:04 AM  

That picture must have been taken just after he took his black trench coat knee high lace up black boots off...

Anonymous 11/21/08, 11:58 AM  

The only 8 white dudes in the league are all on this list...

Anonymous 11/21/08, 12:13 PM  

Yeah why is it that white dudes that play ball are so damn ugly...

Anonymous 11/21/08, 1:32 PM  

How does an NBA All-Ugly list not include ZaZa Pachulia? Is there an NBAer uglier?

Anonymous 11/21/08, 1:56 PM  

Why isn't Walter Herrmann on this list?

Anonymous 11/21/08, 3:24 PM  

Keep the comments clean people. We especially don't need some racist jackass on here. (the comment i'm referring to has been removed.)

Anonymous 11/21/08, 3:31 PM  

Brian Skinner. What is with the blond beard? Lame!

Anonymous 11/21/08, 3:48 PM  

Walter Herrman isn't on here because he's a gorgeous specimen. As much as I like Tayshaun Prince, I've got to admit he looks like a holocaust survivor. And yeah, delonte West got beat hard by the ugly stick.

Anonymous 11/21/08, 7:24 PM  

Dikembe Mutumbo.....I don't have to say another word!

djl4c 11/21/08, 8:44 PM  

How the HECK is Fabricio Oberto not on this list? Just look at him:

Anonymous 11/22/08, 9:07 AM  

Wow, are there any white players in the NBA you didn't list. Give me a break.

Anonymous 11/22/08, 9:03 PM  

the only ugly guys on that list are kaman, swift & maybe daniels. greg oden, sam cassell, carlos boozer's scalp, LEBRON, darko, rafer alston, villanueva's 12 lb. brow, yao ming, holy shit yes the lopez twins, zaza, KOSTA motherfucking KOUFOS (that the whole list is white guys is absolutely embarrassing, but that you left off koufos, zaza, & turkoglu- whose name is even ugly- is ridiculous. in fact, most of your list arent bad looking at all), & how is a guy whose nickname is "the Vanilla Gorilla" left off??

Hair doesnt make someone ugly, everything about Steven Jackson's face makes a guy ugly.

Anonymous 11/22/08, 10:23 PM  

Where's Shelden Williams? even though he's not a Blue Devil anymore, he still scares the hell outta me.

Anonymous 11/23/08, 7:11 AM  

its interesting to see that adam morrison is being compared to Johnny Depp, but is on the Most Ugly List.
How does that work?
and lebron is uglier than chris andersen any day.

Anonymous 11/23/08, 8:54 PM  

Because I find Johnny Depp to be one goofy looking dude. :)

Anonymous 11/25/08, 2:30 AM  

That gave me a chuckle...not sure which one is better clarice or the gremlin....your thoughts boys?

Anonymous 1/1/09, 2:14 AM  

How Can you forget to put Scalabrine in this list?

Anonymous 4/15/09, 9:55 PM  

Imagine you made an all-ugly list for the NHL and included all of the dozen or so black players in the league. You think that wouldn't raise an eyebrow or two and inspire numerous accusations of racism? Just goes to show that hypocritical double standards on race relations are still alive and kicking on this stupid blog entry.

kellex 4/15/09, 10:16 PM  

There are 13 people on the list with 5 of them being a person of what's your point?

People taking shit way too damn serious and looking for some f-ing racial angle just irritates the hell out of me. Get over it.

Plus, I'M WHITE.

Anonymous 5/18/09, 8:55 AM  

All these guys may look creepy from your point of view, but remember that, by being who/what they really want to, they add some fantasy into a league that becomes boring as hell with the dress code, shaved chins and short-cut hair. Sometimes you look at the bench and seem to be looking at a bunch of tall businessmen in suits looking extremely pretentious who all have the same appearance. Ok some guys in your list may be weird, but why blame the difference and the fantasy?

Anonymous 5/31/09, 5:19 PM  

You are a fucking retard--you highlight some of the best examples of individuality in the NBA. Hope your crew-cut and Gap clothes burn with your fake-ass tan in the fiery SUV wreck you die in.

Anonymous 6/1/09, 11:26 AM  

Charlie Villanueva should lead any list

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